Dealing with sexual frustration in women

Dealing with sexual frustration in women

For some time now, many wives have been reacting to my articles on men’s unfaithfulness in marriage. Such women argue that men are guiltier than women. Due to lack of sexual intimacy at home they say they cannot be held solely responsible for their husband’s infidelity.

They argue that there is more to infidelity than meets the eye. For instance, one of the mails I received stated: “I use myself as an example. I am the one always willing and initiating sex. My husband is never interested and it’s always like I am the one forcing him. So, I can’t really connect to your article because it is not in all cases that insufficient sex at home drives men out.

“But I feel it is something in their makeup, and something that they do even if all is well on the home front, whether they are saints, gentlemen or goody-goody. All this while I was pitying my man thinking he had some medical or psychological problem impeding his libido, only to find out he has been getting his fill on the side.”

She continues: “I really do not understand the male specie; I believe they will cheat, no matter what the situation is at home. I hope to see an article relating and analyzing this other side of the story and letting readers know that there are also sexually frustrated women out there. Advise them on how to tackle this issue without falling into the adultery trap.

“It is I who always knocks, seeks, asks, cajoles and sometimes forces my husband to make love to me, to the extent of going on my knees and many times, he rejects my advances. So, it will be appropriate if you balance the equation.”

Another reader wrote: “Your last post ‘Sexual satisfaction as a solution to your man’s infidelity’ left me unconvinced. I know my husband loves me, which he has proven over time and I also know there’s nothing medically wrong with him, but he’s just not paying attention to this aspect of our lives. Sincerely, I can’t say if my husband is getting it outside or not.

“The fact still remains that most women ‘in my shoes’ are practically ‘in a state of denial’ just to help their mental wellbeing. Their take on the matter is that it is better to be in denial and be a mother to their children than to be a psychiatric patient, it as bad as that. Maybe if you shed light on this, you will empty most of our female wards in the psychiatric hospitals. Good day.”

Things are getting more serious and messier than I thought. First and foremost, I would love to say that much of what some of these wives have said is nothing but the truth.

There are cases of wives, who have done everything required to make a good sex bed, but still, they are no match for their husband’s insatiable appetite, infidelity, insensitivity and coldness. But the fact remains that not all men are bad, unfaithful and insensitive. Many of our men out there are genuinely looking for sexual compatibility and adaptability with their wives and they are actually on the high side.

To address the sexual frustration of some women, I would love to say here that it’s a big truth that we have lots of women suffering in silence and furtively seeking freedom from the embarrassing situations of a sexless relationship in their marriages.

Some wives are naturally more sexually active than their husbands. The libido of such women creates problems in the union when not wisely handled by both partners. When such a situation arises, I always tell couple to do their best to adapt to each other’s needs.

Marital stability is more a matter of adaptability and not compatibility. When partners deliberately create an environment of commitment to one another, regardless of the challenge faced, things without doubt turn out for the best.

Husbands should not neglect the fact that their wives are mostly aroused for sex when their emotional needs are met. Wives will naturally offer sex in order to receive affection and love. This is always the area where misunderstandings take place and things start going wrong.

But needless to say that our men are advised to try and continue the courtesy of courtship in marriage, sweet talk your wife and be kind to her. The major reason most women made up their mind against all odds to marry their husband is the affection they received while in courtship. They conclude that if the man they are about to be married to can be this loving, giving, sexual, hot, passionate, caring and affectionate while still dating them, then getting married to such a man will be heaven on earth.

But what normally happens weeks or years after marriage is that most men, like hunters, take their prey for granted. They kill the goose that lay the golden eggs. Sometimes, unforgiveness may be the root of some of these actions from men.

It is a fact that it can be so complicated sometimes to understand women. The wise thing is just to be understanding. These women in your lives are there to make your lives better. As husbands, be in a loving relationship with your wives. Treat them in a way that if there is a possibility of a second world, they would still want to come as a wife married to you.

A typical wife wants to be regarded as a valuable, important and worthy partner by their husbands. They want to feel treasured and appreciated. They want to be treated like a precious celebrity. Husbands, your wife and family are the most important people in your lives.

It is not a crime for husband to spend quality time with their wives to enhance sexual intimacy. Many women feel distressed when their husbands snub them sexually with flimsy excuses. Husbands are aware that it isn’t easy for such wives to seek sexual pleasure outside their homes. Sometimes, a husband’s lack of interest in having sex with such women may make them feel undesirable and abandoned, and of course, a feeling of worthlessness and unworthiness lowers a woman’s self-esteem.

Women have confided in me that they have to literarily pray, beg and bribe their husbands to have one night stands with them. What many wives go through sexually to keep up with some husbands is beyond description. It is typical of our culture to permit men to seek sexual pleasure outside the matrimonial home while wives who venture into such adventures are hanged.

If our men can reconsider a lot of things and be more intimate with their wives, share their pains, be ready to sacrifice more in all areas, both partners would be sexually fulfilled and satisfied.

Stay affectionate, stay romantic and stay sexually intimate.

QUESTION ONE

I got married to my wife over ten years ago and it has been a wonderful life for us. She was a virgin and on our first night, she bled and felt pain as expected and also complained of abdominal pain which we thought was because it was her first time. Although she doesn’t feel vaginal pain anymore, the abdominal pain persists. At a point I thought I was thrusting too deep but even when I don’t, she still feels the pain. In fact, most times we don’t finish making love because I can’t bear watching her suffer. What could be responsible for this and how can we solve it permanently?

Please take your wife to the doctor; there’s urgent need for her to be examined by an expert.

QUESTION TWO

I have a fiancée, though we’ve never had sex. I’ve didn’t even see her for three months because she travelled. She saw her period twice after I saw her last. But she hasn’t seen her period for the last month and she insists she never had sex with anybody. What could be the cause of her delayed menstruation?

If it is true that she did not have sex with anybody, the delay may be caused by change of environment, diet, stress or onset of a sickness. But I would still appreciate it if you can take her to see a doctor.

QUESTION THREE

How do I have sex with my wife and not get her pregnant without using condom? Also, how do I keep long on my wife? I come too early and she is always complaining. I am tired of saying sorry, it’s not my fault. So, what do I do?

Except you practice total abstinence it may not be possible. So, it is advisable to visit a family planning centre for a thorough clacking and prescription of a good planning method. To be able to keep long while having sex with your wife, practice ‘Kegel exercise’ more. I have written a lot of articles on it.

QUESTION FOUR

I am an undergraduate and I have a small penis. I want to ask if all the enlargement pills and drugs being sold are truly working because I hear of failed relationships because the man does not have a large penis. While in Senior Secondary School, I started reading books on sex and how to enlarge the penis, which eventually led me to start masturbating before I entered the university. I later had syphilis. Although I’m now 23 years old, I can’t reason like an adult. I never got into any relationship as I am scared of starting life with someone only to dash her hopes. And I don’t want to have sex with the opposite sex just to prove if truly I’m a man because of my Islamic background. I’m afraid of finding out if it’s really true. I have been browsing the net to read about sex issues and I read that the size of penis does not really matter when it comes to sex. But then I look at my penis and I really feel ashamed of myself.

You need to first and foremost see a doctor and get treatment for syphilis and other sexually-related problems you may be having. Then, do all you can to stop masturbating and seek counselling. You have no reason to be ashamed because of the small size of your manhood.

QUESTION FIVE

How can a 35-year-old who has decided not to re-marry or have affairs tame her sexual urge or drive for life? This widow is a Christian who may not necessarily believe in masturbation, the toy thing and so on…

A widow at 35 who decides not to re-marry or have an affair should re-think because sexual urge is a call of nature. She should be able to make up her mind. Those who can do this are quite few. But with the help of God and dedication to his or her faith, this can be possible. Since the Bible does not support masturbation for practicing Christians, I think such a person should ask for grace not to masturbate. If the Bible says no, there must have been a provision made for help.

QUESTION SIX

A couple had enjoyed themselves intimately for 15 to 20 years, but the wife had to relocate abroad while the husband only pays a visit once or twice in the year. How can the sex life of the couple be patterned or structured? How long can a man or woman stay without sex? How will the man not be tempted to be having illicit affairs?

Both partners should sit together and count the cost, loss and benefits of such separation. They should resolve to be honest, understanding and sincere with each other. The system, environment, weather and some crazy people around are factors that are usually very hostile to such union. They need the help of God to build their marriages.